This TWW Thing SUCKS!

OK, so I told myself going into this rollercoaster that it could take us a long time to get pregnant. I told myself that I wasn't going to get too excited the first time because I knew that it could be the first of many tries for our child. I told myself, especially after the debacle that was our first insemination, I would think of this as a trial run. We were figuring out how to use the speculum, insert the syringe, etc. That’s why we got more outside than in. If I prepared myself then why in the hell am I so upset!

R has been convinced that she is pregnant for the past few days (with no HPT confirmation). Her b00bs are sore, she is incredibly tired, her stomach is upset, and she's reeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy cranky. She says she knows her body & that this isn’t normal for her. I've known her for 8 years and have never experienced a bout of PMS like this. I was worried that she was seeing symptoms where there were none, until we measured her. We’ve been going to the gym all summer and measure ourselves once a week to track our progress. In the past week her chest measurement has gone up 1 inch. Could her b00bs really be bigger? They look a bit bigger, they feel a bit bigger, but are we seeing/feeling that because that’s what I want to see and feel?

When we inseminated we decided that we wouldn’t POAS until Friday, 10 dpo. We broke down and tested last night, and again today (more trial runs I keep telling myself). I wasn’t supposed to be so upset when the tests were negative, this was just supposed to be a trial, this could take us months…I’m really trying to convince myself. I’m scared that the tests will all be negative this month & AF will rear her ugly head this weekend.

To make matters worse, I’m sitting here having feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been included in this process by tracking R’s cycles, charting her temps, helping check CM & CP, recording the results of OPKs, doing the insemination. If this doesn’t work is it because my charting was off, were we inseminating at the right time, did I screw the insemination up in some way? I worry that if we get a BFN it's all my fault. Yet at the same time, I know that it's ridiculous to blame myself.